Here i am, back again in Xanga, you knew already for my updates, it would not be anything good.

When everybody is celebrating a new year, wishing a better year ahead, my brother and I are in the middle of a fight, which my mum and sister cannot help shouting, hitting, beating up each other in the house with the "weapons", it lasts like 4 hours. i have my arms around my sister from the back to keep her away from my mother, my brother block my mum's way with his finally-considered-as-grown-up body. It start from argument of my mum's late return home from her everyday hiking trip. It turns out to be things like "you never really care about us", "you keep your husband here making our life so difficult" "the only thing you know is running away from all the crap you made and leave them to us" "everyone in your eyes is evil, including us, your only family' and things like "I have been contubuting to this family for years, i gave up my studies, my dream for you and you never appreciated that", "i just want you to be happy but you are never satisfied", "all you can talk to us is money, counting every penny we give you every month, they are never enough", "if you hate us so much, why you have to be with us", "if it wasnt for you, i will go away with them" etc.

I cannot remember how many times already that we are in the middle of a fight, but this is definitely the first time, i have to call someone to be here to make them stop or they will end up in police station or in mortuary.

The next day, everything is normal again, we have dinner together and watched TV. She goes to work, she goes hiking. And I am absolutely confused.

I could understand how it feels for my sister to lose the golden age of her life, contributing the so-called home. And how difficult it is for her to try to make it up, and collect the broken pieces just now for her life to start it all over.

I barely know my mother or father, I did not talk to my father for years under the same roof. I cannot agree with my mum's giving-up philosophy and she is particularly difficult to talk to as every conversation starting with 好煩.

It is the classic way to deal with troubles here, when you have problems, in 1 second, you put it behind, leave it and let it grow till you cannot ignore it anymore, and it explodes in any given possible ways, to feel better, do gambling, shopping, crying, fighting, eating, you will kind of regret it, but when it happened, it happened, so be quiet and go back to the "life" could help to erase the bad things. Then we wait for the next explosion.

Although i am not one of the lead actress of this situation drama, i am affected. No.1 it hurts to hold a psycho in your arms. No.2 I am the one to tell my brother not to care their words when they blame this on him. I want to hold him when i say that but i did not coz i dont want to cry out immediately. it is so tiring to beg them not to fight/kill each other in front of me when the crawling and the crying is not working. No.3 I also tried to make it better here, i studied, i worked, i act like the 3rd mother of my brother after my sister being the 2nd, you cannot imagine how tiring and how much i want to quit this after 10+ years and it is just the same like it was. No.4 It is restless for me to wait for the next explosion, I am worried and scared everyday since then, and I cannot help thinking too much... and i dont know how to release that pressure and worries, and trust these people when they said they will never do that again.

Dont get me wrong, I dont want to be a mother yet, but I can if i have to take care of my brother. I do think my mother and sister are good, and i appreciate both of their efforts to the family and to me, no matter how many times they beat me up. I am worried, but I am not quitting and i cannot see a way out anyway.

Just get prepared for the next explosion, i guess it will be my sister and my father for the next scene of this situation drama.

(it has been 20 days since that fight, see? it is okay, we are moving on)

I was in korea, hong kong, Shenzhen and Thailand in 1 week time.

and i was arrested at thailand.

UM, i dont want to confront or complain anymore. Speechless

sometimes i just want to prove that i am alive as everything is so unreal in this neverending story of life,
"are you kidding me? not again, please......." even this sentence is quite boring for me.

 Taking it easy to avoid feeling too bad. It is works.

想同你分享我黑仔的一天

肚痛/肚痾/腸胃炎/爆耳洞/壞雪櫃

今日連個電話都差d壞埋.

雖說天跌落o黎都要用對手托住, 但我真係受唔到幾多打擊.

我情緒唔係好穩定. 呢件事唔通係偶然?